Is This Really Worth Fighting Over?
Some conflicts can be properly resolved only through confession, confrontation, forgiveness, and negotiation. But there are many more that can be properly resolved simply by overlooking minor offenses or relinquishing rights for the sake of God’s kingdom. Therefore, before focusing on your rights, take a careful look at your responsibilities. Before you go to remove the speck from your brother’s eye, ask yourself, “Is this really worth fighting over?”
- Describe the material issues in this conflict.
- Describe the personal issues or offenses in this conflict.
- Check your attitude (PM @ 83-90; see Phil. 4:2-8):
- What can you “rejoice in the Lord” about in this situation?
- Write down everything you can think of that is noble, right, or admirable about the other person in this dispute, including good memories or ways God has blessed you through that person.
- What rights, legally or morally, do you have in this situation?
- How might exercising these rights glorify God, advance his kingdom, benefit others, and benefit you?
- How might laying down these rights glorify God, advance his kingdom, benefit others, and benefit you?
- Which of the personal issues or offenses described in your answer to question 2 can you simply overlook? How might overlooking them please and honor God?
- Which of the material issues described in your answer to question 1 can you simply give in on?
Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 4 in The Peacemaker
Conflict Starts in the Heart
James 4:1-3 provides a key principle for understanding and resolving conflict. Whenever we have a serious dispute with others, we should look carefully at our own hearts to see whether we are being controlled by unmet desires that we have turned into idols. These desires often disguise themselves as things we need or deserve, or as things that would advance God’s kingdom. But no matter how good or legitimate a desire may look on the surface, if we have gotten to the point where we cannot be content, fulfilled, or secure unless we have it, that desire has evolved into an idol that diverts our love and trust from God. Fortunately, God delights in delivering us from our slavery to idols and enabling us to find true freedom, fulfillment, and security in his love and provision. And as we break free from the desires that have fueled our conflicts, we can resolve seemingly hopeless disputes and become more effective peacemakers.
Answer the following question with regard to this situation to identify desires that may have grown into controlling demands. (PM @ 102-106)
- What am I preoccupied with?
- How would I fill in this blank? “If only________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure with regard to this situation.”
- What do I want to preserve or avoid at any cost?
- What do I fear may happen in this situation?
- When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
- Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?
- How are your expectations of others magnifying your demands on them and your disappointment in their failure to meet your desires?
- How are you judging those who do not meet your desires? Are you feeling indignation, condemnation, bitterness, resentment, or anger?
- How are you judging those who do not meet your desires? Are you feeling indignation, condemnation, bitterness, resentment, or anger? (
- If you have identified any desires that have grown into idols in this situation, confess them to God and take hold of his wonderful love and promises as being far superior to anything this world can offer.
Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 5 in The Peacemaker
Confession Brings Freedom
To be an effective peacemaker, you need to deal honestly with your contribution to a conflict. As Paul told Timothy, “If a man cleanses himself from [sin], he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work” (2 Tim. 2:21). This cleansing process is inspired by Jesus’ promise that he has forgiven our sins and wants to purify us from the idols and habits that cause conflict (1 John 1:9). He calls us to cooperate in this process of repentance, self-examination, confession, and personal change. The more faithfully you draw on his grace and pursue these steps, the more useful you will be to him in making peace. At the same time, after you get the log out of your own eye, you will he better prepared to gently restore others.
- Read Psalm 139:23-24, then ask God to help you see if you have sinned in any of the following ways in this situation. If so, note how.
- Allowed a desire to turn into an idol
- Used my tongue as a weapon (careless words, gossip, falsehood)
- Tried to control others
- Failed to keep my word or commitments
- Failed to respect authority, or failed use my authority graciously
- Was defensive or resisted correction
- Use the Seven A’s to plan your confession:
- Address everyone involved. To whom do you need to confess?
- Avoid if, but, and maybe. What excuses or blaming do you need to avoid?
- Admit specifically. What desires have you allowed to rule you, and what sins have you committed? What biblical principles have you violated?
- Acknowledge the hurt. How might others feel as a result of your sin?
- Accept the consequences. What consequences do you need to accept? How can you reverse the damage you have caused?
- Alter your behavior. What changes do you intend to make, with God’s help, in the way you think, speak, and behave in the future?
- Ask for forgiveness. What might make the person you have wronged reluctant to forgive you? What can you do to make it easier for him or her to forgive you?
- When will you make your confession?
Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 6 in The Peacemaker
